Top 10

Since my post, “Secrets to Happiness,” I have received hundreds of email from fans on the east coast (such as from NYC), who still have not been able to achieve happiness, since they are forced to take the subway and bus to work. I don’t feel your pain-- sorry. If you’re on the west coast and still take mass transit, I would like to thank you. However, I can’t discriminate against or exclude an entire group of my fan base from the secret of happiness since they are forced to take the subway. So, I got to thinking and decided to come up with a “Top 10: Secrets to Happiness that cost under 20 dollars”. After all, everyone should be happy and at affordable price. Especially since poor people are usually the most unhappy. So here it goes.
“Top 10: Secrets to Happiness under 20 Dollars”
1. Skinny Mirrors. Find somebody that owns a skinny mirror and just look at yourself. I, for one, deal with my weight on a daily basis, and nothing makes me feel better than when I look in a mirror and appear 10 pounds lighter. It might give you a false sense of confidence; however, it’s still a sense of confidence. Too bad they don’t make good looking mirrors for ugly people. Until that happens, wear a lot of make up.

2. McDonalds: Despite what people say about McDonalds, whether its unhealthy or fattening, there is one thing that is undeniable, and that is that it is the best tasting food under 20 bucks in the world. So when you’re feeling bad, go cram down a Big Mac or two. Eat Mcnuggets till you explode. After you explode, I guarantee you will feel better. But people say, “That’s a short term mood changer” and “I will ultimately get fat, which will worsen my mood”. This is all true and that is why we have “Skinny Mirrors”.

3. Drugs: What? Yeah do some and then tell me how you feel. I bet you feel better and most “fixes” are under 20 bucks. Don’t take my word for it. Look, all you have to do is look at a bum. They seem like the happiest people in world always laughing and giggling.

4. Talking Shit: As mean as this sounds, it works. I always feel better when I make fun of or talk shit about someone. After all, we do it to make us feel better about ourselves. So once a week, get a group of your friends to throw a “Shit Talking Party” where all you do is talk shit about people you don’t like or even people who you do like, I don’t care. It is the act of putting down others which makes you feel good.

5. Show an Act of Kindness: Help somebody out when they need it. Not because it’s the right thing to do, but because it makes you feel better. Now, I have never really helped anybody out in my life; however, I think about it sometimes and the thought alone makes me feel better.

6. Pleasure Yourself Or Someone Else: I don’t need to go into detail about that, but it is usually free and feels good.

7. Destroy Something: Take something that you don’t need like a plate and throw it on the ground and watch it break. I don’t know why but it makes you feel better. And if you want to feel even better, break someone else’s shit and you feel twice as good because you got to break something and that person is now worse off than before. It’s like a double whammy.

8. Break the Law: Rules are made to be broken and there is nothing more fun then breaking them. I break the law all the time, and every time I do it, I feel better. You don’t even have to break the law, you can break a rule that someone forced upon you. For example, my mom makes me wear underwear, but when I sneak out without it on, I feel better. It’s more comfortable true, but I think I get the real joy in disobeying my mom. Whatever rule you have wanted to break: my advice is to break it.

9. The Movie Amistad: At least you’re not a slave…….

10. BenBaumgartenisbetterthenyou.bogspot.com- If the previous 9 things don’t make you happy, fuck you, I tried. But seriously just read my blog, and whether you like it or not or agree or disagree with what I am saying, it gets you thinking, and thinking is the real key to happiness.